Good Evening,

I am in desperate need of prayer. I am struggling with many things and believe I need another confirmation that I am living in my purpose. My prayer is that I have not deviated from God’s plan for me.

However, I have some deeply embedded pain from my life, and great loss. It started with my dad, then my spouse, then my mom (who used to be my biggest supporter), and the list continues. Everyone who says they love & support me have left me feeling sore & very abandoned.

While I have been able to manage my pain w/o drugs and/or alcohol, an affinity for toxic relationships and stoicism seem to be commonplace. My ambitions lose spark, and while I keep on going at it… I often feel very alone & isolated and sometimes left with feelings of “What is it all for?” Although, I never let on.

I believe it may be affecting my adult children. They have all seemed to go their own way. And while they sometimes attend fellowship with me, they too, lack joy and/or enthusiasm in the things of God. But what is most challenging is while I manage to keep consistent with my ministerial duties, I struggle with wanting to give up, very often.
I am mostly finding joy in simple things, and with my husband, but not truly enjoying my life anymore. It has totally changed since I’ve exchanged leadership roles. I will say, it has been the Holy Spirit who has been keeping me focused on the goal (soul winning) — so I am consistent with inviting people to come to Christ. I have to say however, the most challenging thing is that I also have stewardship(watch) over souls and I feel very overwhelmed to lead them at times, seeing how their support overall has dwindled. It seems the ones who still follow are hanging on by a thread. But its becoming more difficult to keep my feelings from them. What’s more is the pandemic which stopped us from attending service in our own space has added more pressure especially since we are the church w/o gimmicks. I have tried to remain empathetic toward all of their struggles, but my pain faces me everyday and causes me to feel unworthy of being their leader. To add more to this already lengthy list, my only source of income was completely cut off, and while I managed to open a new business, it too, is struggling. I am trying desperately to remain hopeful but it is a real challenge! I’m not sure what is going on, but I am very concerned and afraid.

I normally have my complete trust in God, but I am struggling to trust His way, this time. Well, atleast today. Unfortunately, I cannot find true/authentic interactions because I feel judged by my peers. It is so difficult to find true support. I even came up with a way for other leaders on the mend to connect with each other through my nonprofit. But I’m feeling overwhelmed. Every leader whom I have submitted myself & our ministry, has seemed to have attempted to abuse me too. Its like toxicity is drawn to suck the very life out of me, so it is very hard to trust. I am afraid. I feel lonely and very, very lost. In public, I look to be the picture of strength, but I am really having a difficult time in my alone time. It feels so cold and so harsh.

Please pray for me. God knows my name.